How many more

Have you ever seen Schindler’s List?  There’s a scene, near the end, where he’s lamenting not doing more and starts talking about how many more he could have saved if he’d had more money or wasted less money.  He starts referencing  his possessions and musing aloud in a rushed, increasingly panicked voice about how he could have saved more by sacrificing the things he had and becoming very animated as another character tries to calm him and get him to look at how many he had saved and what impact that would have.  In a movie full of powerful imagery, it is the scene that stands out for me, nearly twenty years later.  I may not remember it perfectly, but I remember the emotion with which it was acted and that it brought to me.  It was the point where the audience and the character came to the realization of just how huge the numerous small things he’d done really were, and you felt the pain in him at the realization that his own desires had hindered him from doing even more.

There are days when I know I have not done enough, if I’ve even done anything, and my soul reenacts this scene with all that I possess, my Empire of Dirt, and I feel paralyzed.  I think of all the things I could do to save my corner of the world, but I can’t take action.  I can’t move.  I can’t think.  I can’t create.  I can’t act.  How many more could I have saved?  How many lives is this worth?

This is where I am now.  It’s not surprising, considering July often brings a depression paralysis for me, being the month that contains the day I lost my mom, the day I lost my cousin, and the day where I’m reminded I’m one year closer to my own death.  I am often scattered, sullen, easily distracted, and prone to random outbursts of sadness during this time of year.

This year feels different.  There’s something not quite right, but I can’t quite figure it out.

I can’t help but feel that it’s because I’m not doing what I should be doing.  Not only because I’m unsure of how to get there, but because the paralysis keeps me from doing the little things that I know to do.  I can’t walk down the path because my foot is frozen over it and I can’t take that first step.

It’s going to be a long month.

“Whoever saves a life, saves the world entire.”